To Embrace Both Sides

Only someone who has lived totally immersed in duality can decry it. I grew up with raging alcoholics, and when my mother died, her sister took me in, and tried to get me proper. Took me to church, taught me some manners (my hedonistic parents failed at this task), and cautioned me to keep my problems to myself.

As I stood in the middle, a brand new 11, wondering how to balance these disparities, I decided neither one of them would suit me. Hold nothing back, hold everything in ~ I didn’t know what ‘normal’ looked like. Out of confusion, and later despair, I learned to mask my feelings to protect myself. I was funny and entertaining but I was not real. I sent everything vital underground, for safekeeping.

I almost lost it all, all my treasures, what makes me precious but I survived, and it came back to me. Whole, all of a piece. Able to see both at once, without confusion. It is a gift I daily cherish. Try as I might, I can’t take sides. I look and listen for merit. If I can’t find it, I move along.

Now I am free to choose what I believe, how I’ll respond, what I deem ‘appropriate’. Now I am free to walk away, claim my stance, or stake a stand to guard my treasures. Now I am free.

LBM 8/17/2018



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