The Look of Love
2 min readFeb 26, 2019
Even if i didn’t believe in God, it’s obvious the earth is sacred. Each day the world invites us to a call and response, and we must listen and choose carefully.
No one ever said to me, “The world is your oyster.” My father called me stupid. I covered my insecurity by laughing at myself, disarming my attackers.
I have never been stupid, but I have often been confused. I grew up with conflicting messages, and wasn’t sure which to respond to. One day it was fine to leave the door ajar. The next day, idiotic. Depending on the day, the weather, my parents’ blood alcohol level, truth shifted, and yet I understood the only truth that I could trust was unchangeable and solid.
My parents were not often kind. To each other or their children. It’s an uncomfortable truth. They had a disease, is also true, but I didn’t know that as a child. I thought I was defective, a broken toy, unwanted. I believed I was unlovable. It’s a long and lonely road, unraveling a lie. It’s hard to ask for help, if you think you don’t deserve it.
I was envious of babies (puppies, kittens), loved immediately and profusely for doing nothing but being cute! My sadness turned bitter, and my sorrow turned resentful. More to carry, more to hide. More shameful sin, in my unlovable soul.
It was a heavy load. I carried it until I couldn’t. I wanted to be free. Weightless and unencumbered. I woke up, befuddled to not find paradise. I found a kind of hell reserved for pretty girls who have so much and throw it all away. If I thought I felt unlovable before, I’d made it worse.
I learned to love slowly, in increments, like playing the clarinet. Patiently practicing scales, so I could finally play a song. It was hard to stay open. Trust seemed a bad gamble. Afraid of abandonment, I felt safer being alone.
I never know how to end these poems. I almost died, I learned to love, I changed my thoughts around. It’s difficult but possible.
Don’t settle for less than absolutely everything. Work out the truth in your own heart. If you’ve been wrong, admit it. Be grounded, yet remain flexible.
Know a lie when you hear one, and refuse to believe it. Invest in truth. Love with abandon. Wallow in wonder. The world is your oyster.
LBM 3/4/16
