Forever in my Heart

William and me, selfie on ice. It took a long time for him to settle down, he was pulling my hair and biting my coat. I got surly and said, “One good picture, I have all day” and this is his cooperating face. lololol

I was thinking about my finding William, dead. I was thinking about my mother. I didn’t know how to grieve. It sounds harsh, but there wasn’t much to miss. My reaction was visceral, with William. Not just my mouth, my whole body screamed, “NOOOOOOO!”

At my mother’s coffin I was quiet. My father carried on like it was a cocktail party. I hated him for his callousness. I’ve worked long and hard to be so open and it’s not an easy choice. Simplicity should be simple, but we’re so cluttered with formalities, so obsessed with delineation. If you can’t graph it it doesn’t exist. I see now, my father needed protection from his feelings. I get it. Alcohol propped him up. Without it, he was a dolphin in the desert.

Oh William, when people hate on swans; they don’t belong here, they infringe on the rights of the native population, I get it. I wasn’t welcomed either. Both of us ugly ducklings who realized our gifts and exchanged love for love, trust for trust, beauty for beauty. Forever friends, forever family, forever beloved in my heart.

LBM 12/19/2021