Don’t Stop Believing
What if anger is a hurt so deep, the only way it can reach the surface is in ugliness? Like a bucket of pig slop, if you jostle it it spills over the sides. Even if you apologize. Even if you had no intention of upsetting. Even if you are innocent in your perception.
The slop will not turn sweet. You either notice the smell and empty the bucket, or people will learn to steer clear of you. You may even think you want this, if you’re angry long enough. If the hurt is inexpressible, no one understands, there’s no point in trying to connect.
We’ve all been hurt. It’s a brave choice, forgiveness, but it’s not personal. Hurt people hurt people. People who are content and balanced have no desire to ‘get even’. They’re not keeping score. There are no chips on their shoulders. The world doesn’t owe them happiness. They’re not interested in blame.
Here’s what I noticed yesterday. I was aggravated. A driver tried to pass me as two lanes merged, nearly pushing me off the road and I laid on the horn (I never) and yelled, “WTH?”, when ordinarily (it’s a bad spot. It happens often) I’d let them go and move away. It seems a tiny thing but if no one is willing to concede, there are accidents. Suffering. Trauma. If you can’t accept that you’ll be treated less than fairly every now and then (or for an interminable spell), you’ll grow bitter and seek revenge. Go home to your pig slop and fill up the bucket. People are idiots and I hate everyone (except my little dog. Even Hitler had a little dog).
Hatefulness is ugly but effortless. I never realized how thin the line is, between wishing the greatest good and the desire to vaporize the planet. Some people say they love the swans, toss Cheese-Its (or worse, moldy, toxic bread) over the fence in Summer, but in the Winter never show up. They think that’s love and who am I to question it? We all have our definitions.
Doug was upset over my upset. He seems to think it’s his job to make me happy (if the reverse is true, I surely failed). I want to be an instrument of Peace, but the field training is difficult. I’m stubborn and spiteful ~ I chew on my aggravations until I choke and still I keep on chewing.
Oh, to be quietly devoted. Contemplative. There’s a snake in my garden, and all the free advice I’ve thrown Eve’s way is sitting on my shoulders. Choose wisely. Don’t listen to lies. Turn away from evil. Trust God. Be led by faith, not in service to the self but to magnify Creation. Seek goodness. If you can’t find it, be it. Don’t stop believing.
LBM 2/24/2019
